The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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