Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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