I hate your face
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
