I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
