I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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