when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
