the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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