PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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