I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
