Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
