wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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