is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize