Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
