found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
