I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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