Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
