when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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