know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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