he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
