No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
