If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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