I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
