Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
