I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you win again, gameday.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
