I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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