hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
