Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
