my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
