dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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