Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
