I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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