I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
