I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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