K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
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