You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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