so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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