How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
