Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
