i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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