I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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