the condom got lost in my hair
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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