there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just invented taco cereal.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize