cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
