yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
