She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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