Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
