You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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