update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
