For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
