I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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