the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
