my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
