I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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