I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
