if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize