Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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