Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
