Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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