I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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