if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
