At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
