Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Acid is not a monday night drug
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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