I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
