Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize