Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
