So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
