At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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