You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize
